omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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