If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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