She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Randomize
