Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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