I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
