I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
