After last night, I could never be a politician.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
