i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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