Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
