my phone needs a breathalizer
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
The adults are the big ones right?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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