I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
