so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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