I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
