He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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