24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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