last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
