I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
God, I missed his penis.
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