your parents love me but you hate me
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
