i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
