it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
