my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Randomize
