So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
