I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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