I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
