She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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