There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
