im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
