turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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