I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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