god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize