just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
