I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
