I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
