I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
