do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
