I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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