As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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