Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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