Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
tell me about the eggs
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
