Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize