she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize