be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
