This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
