Old men and throwing up are my life now.
even my farts smell like vagina
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
