even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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