I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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