Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Randomize
