Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
