Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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