Well douche your snatch and let's go!
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
