bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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