I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
