omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
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