my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
