The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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