i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
