When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
