The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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