I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
