i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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